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Recently I had seen a movie which brought me to tears. It's neither a love story nor a heavy drama but it made me cry. It was all about your call of duty to yourself and to your country and the experiences that brought about by that courage to face odds and adversities. The "worry" is always present to the family in waiting and still the same "worry" to the one who misses them most.
A love of a mother and a father is superior enough to protect their sons and daughters from any harm. Not just a duty or a responsibility but it is an action rendered without being asked to. It is wholeheartedly done. To sacrifice, to give their all, to acknowledge faults and give instant forgiveness. An act willingly given.
I can't take it away from my parents to get worried of me. I am of age, but very much dependent on my family. It's not a choice but because I don't have a choice. I can say I am still on the road to recovery. Maybe physically I am but inside I am not yet healed. The whole experience is still stuck in my memory and no matter how hard I try to erase some events, I can't. and maybe I don't want it erased.
A sudden storm washes us all, but as the sky is calm and a new day is here, worries and emptiness will be swept away -
-everyday life of a person surviving life after Cancer.
"Expect the Unexpected". Definitely, but not really. Am I talking sense? I guess not. Anyway, before this post will go nowhere, my result finally came out yesterday. It was fairly okay. NO RECURRENCE (which is the most important fact!) but my unremovable cyst grows to a 0.9 cm in width. It's okay though, I am alright with it. I mean what could I do? There is nothing medical intervention that could alter the situation. Not closing my doors for Mircales to come my way. I believe in that in a big way.
Lately, I felt so tired and lazy. I don't know why, but it seems that my world suddenly put me on hold. I had been sick for three days now. First I had a very, very sore throat then comes the running nose and now I am suffering from a slight cough. It's kinda sick huh? but I do. I think my immune system bugs down lately. I don't know..
But for the record, I am still surviving and alive and that's what counts. Still no job. Still dependent. But I know it is never too late for something big and explosive for me. I know I have some success in the near future, but I have to strengthen myself and keep me healthy in order to make all of that come to reality.
I so much believe in hoping for the best. More positivity to the world I live in and to myslef. I know I had been in many crazy situtaions but I always surpass anything serious and recover from every fall. I am what I am. and I am proud of my beginnings and maybe soon.. just soon.. my ends.
just keeping it real.
- everyday life of a person surviving to Cancer.
It's been two days after my CT and I had been here at home all two days long. Just keeping myself almost in bed. I felt so tired and got muscle spasms. Maybe because of the medications I took before the CT. I have allergies so I had to take pre - medications to supress it's sudden attack. Second thing is also because of the low temperature in the Scan area. It was really cold and I was in chills when I did the scan. The personnel there had to drape my arms with blankets so that I would be still inside the room to get the perfect scan.
My Scan went well I guess. I got to look at the results from the monitor and the doctor on duty explained it also to me but they need to let it reviewed by the attending radiologist before printing out the official result. Until now I haven't got a call from the department if the result was already out. I don't worry that much, but yeah there is still some fear left inside me. That, i could not take away from me.
When I did my Scan I was accompanied by my parents ( as usual ) and after I am done I could see them both contented and somewhat happy also because I told them what the doctor on duty said to me about the results that day. whether official or not. Now, after this whole medical attention thing I am really off to a new challenge. A Start, a beginning to another set of life's challenges. I am super duper afraid.
I am just hoping for a good official result from my CT Scan. Praying.
- everyday life of a person surviving life after Cancer.
It's yet another rainy Sunday today. Lately we are experiencing a very cool, humid, cold weather. At least there is a use for our long sleeved shirts. Anyway, very early today I have done my Creatinine lab for my pre CT requirement. I am just praying and hoping for a good results in order to push through with the CT this coming Tuesday. I was too busy these past few days taking care of some businesses regarding my upcoming CT. The meds, doctor, and money to pay for the scan. It's not easy to just have my CT done. Needs not just effort but also a lot of money. Since I don't have a job and salary that goes with it, my parents still plays a vital role in my life right now. I am still dependent to them.
Aside from material worries I also have emotional, mental and spiritual worries. I am afraid and I am not ashamed to admit it. Who isn't afraid of knowing what will the result may be. No, I am actually not worried just freaked out! of what is going to happen... AhhhhhhHHHHHH.....but also Praying and Believeing and Trusting and Have a lot of Faith... God knows what He is doing.
My life now depends on what my CT results. But I guess no matter what it is, I have to move myself forward. I just need that first short step to continue living a life with normality again. I know it is so much harder this time, but I believe in me. I can do it. I encourage myself to get up and pace on everyday. No matter how heavy the past experiences and the future may give to me I still need to make myself happy, positive, and living life to the fullest. Maybe money has a part of moving forward, but this isn't about that. I could be happy just remaining as is and still moving on forward.
- everyday life of a person surviving life after Cancer.
My upcoming CT is stressing me out. It's been six months since my last one and the result was fairly good, BUT my unoperatable/ unremovable cyst just grows by centimeters. That is the main reason we, my family are worried about. My Oncologist said that she doesn't even know the cause of the growth or where it nourished from. It isn't malignant. Thank God! we had it biopsized when I had my second Ex-Lap last year. and yet it is still growing. I just hope that on my upcoming scan it will just remain on it's previous size and hopefully will never ever grew.
Lately I had been busy with the whole preparation for my CT. Just making myself at ease and processing few details. I am also worried about needle insertion again. My veins are really thin and easily collapsable. Maybe due to my previous chemotherapy sessions. My last needle insertion was when I had my CT six months ago. The nurses on that department knew what needle size to use, when to insert and how to hit the vein well. whereas when I had my 2nd major operation last march 2009, the interns, residents, nurses hit me like 12 times and it sucks. I may not be the vocally complaining type of person, but If I am I swear I would be shouting and be angry with them. But lucky them I am not. I just took the pain all in, anyway it is for my own sake.
Well, good luck for me. I don't know my schedule yet because I still have see my allergologist tomorrow. I have some pre medication because of my allergies to some medication. just in case. She will give me the permit to carry on with my CT.
Life is nothing without some worries like this....
- everyday life of a person surviving life after Cancer.
It's a Saturday and I was just thinking about me turning 25 this year. I don't feel like 25. I still feel like I am 21 years old and not aging. Weird isn't it? but that is how I feel about myself and my age.
My aunt, who's with us like forever, is turning 40 this year. She may be called an old maid already because she is still single, but She doesn't look like 40, She looks like she's 30 and feels like 30. wonderful isn't it?
Age doesn't matter. That is what we always hear when we came across two person being in love but completely with a big age difference with each other. Well, they are right, It really doesn't matter. What matters is how we feel in the inside. How we think of ourselves. How we act. Age is just a number, but our hearts and minds are part of who we really are. People who talk and gossip doesn't know what they are talking about. They just lived their lives with meaningless speculations.
No matter what our age is. The imporatant thing is we have learn to love ourselves for what we really are. Like me. I am what I am. I always point it out from my previous posts. and it is true. You are what you are. You may have some changes as you pace forward, but you can't take away the real "You" from yourself.
We live in a world full of chaos and difficulties. We have to reach out for our real self everytime we lose track of reality. Life is too short. So everyday, we try to make the most of our life.
Be Happy.
- everyday life of a person surviving life after cancer.
Earlier today I was watching the first season of "Merlin", a t.v. series encapturing the arthurian era of the medival times and I was wondering, what if the legends are true and I had lived my life on that time, would my destiny still be like this? would I still suffer and experience such incurable illness? Maybe I am, but the cause isn't me having Cancer, but maybe due to a spell cast by a powerful sorcerer. and maybe there is a possible cure by means of magic. And in an instant, Whalla!, the spell would be broken and I am cured for life. How fascinating is that!
True, that our lives are meant to be lived and be filled with such challenges and unforgettable memories so that we could bring something meaningful to our afterlife. Death is not scaring us, but it is the reality to every life born and raised on earth. It is a routine. That is why if I existed on medival era, maybe, by magic I could live my life over and over again. But I am not on that time, I am on this century, though witnessing and experiencing such challenges I am contented and happy on what my life has been and will be.
Going back to "Merlin", where it is my second favorite era ( my top is 1800 ) because of the authenticity of the people. The dresses might be one factor, but the knights should be on top. A knight in shinning armour, how cool is that. Riding on a horse, sweeping you away and bring you home to his castle. tempting and delicious isn't it? Well, maybe in my dreams tonight I would dream about it. Hopefully. LOL.
I know my life would not change in an instant, but I keep praying and hoping that oneday, someday I will conquer everything. From my fears and worries to the other side of the world. I am what I am. I would not exchange myself, my experience to something else.
- everyday life of a person surviving life after cancer.
Another Year, Another Chance, Another Challenge. I am starting my year with a Big loads of Worries, A heavy Heart and a tormented soul. At this very moment I really pity myself. Though I am out of treatment for a year and a half now, i still got no chance of escaping the reality of me still have Cancer. The follow-up sessions with the labs and the scans are still on and everytime I do it It worries me a lot. It makes me actually sick just to think about it. Makes me drop tears from my eyes down to my cheeks. How heavy is that.
I know this should not be the intro to my blog post this year, but I have to loosen up the burden and heaviness inside my brain and heart. I have no control of my life eversince this whole thing started. I can't stand alone. That is my problem. i can't get out of my small, crowded world. One thing i need right now is a job suited for me. A job that will take my thoughts away from Cancer. I am still working very hard on my destiny to begin. and waiting. still waiting
When can everything be back to normal? Would i still see the day when I will say that i am Cancer - Free? I pray. everyday. I pray.
- everyday life of a person surviving life after Cancer.
